Do you ever wonder if your child will ever say “I love you” to you, or ever hug you back? It is still really early days, I know. Less than three months in. still, I wish she would.
Every time I think about it, I end up feeling bad. “You’re not in this for yourself”, I hear that little voice in my head, “you’re here to help this child heal and help them be a kid again, for what little time she still has as a kid”.
And then there’s that bit about what do I want from this child? She is grieving over her lost family and identity, having been moved around so much (and nothing will convince her that she won’t be moved again). And I’m complaining over 3 silly words and a hug?
No, I’m not in this for myself. I realise that D must be so sad and angry. Probably at us too. I understand and respect that, and I understand why she protects herself and reserves whatever little control she still has in this situation. I never ask her “when are you going to”. I realise there’s a good chance she does love us, but just can’t utter the words.
Whether it’s need for control, or a defence mechanism, or guilt from betraying her birth parents and foster carer. I understand it. I just wish she would.